Where Have You Been - Light the City

I had mentioned, in passing, to a friend to mine that I started blogging recently. He told me that in due time I would give him my URL and he wouldn't have to ask for it. This morning, I felt it was time to let him into yet an other piece of my heart. While he was looking through my blog, he started making comments and to be honest, I couldn't remember what I had written. I'm only 11 posts in, but I can barely remember what my last post was. 

While I was rereading what I had written, I couldn't help but think what MC was thinking while he was reading. There are two people in my life that I tell [almost] everything to. He is definitely one of those people. But it's more then just knowing everything about me, it's about being there when these things happen. The night I looked around my kitchen table and embraced the faces I had learnt to love, his face was one of them. The night I freed myself from something I was holding onto, he was there. Having people go through changes and emotionally heavy events in your life, changes a friendship. I don’t think friendship can be measured with time span, it has be measured in something greater then that. Friendship needs to be measured in depth. How deep some one gets into your heart and mind. 

By letting my friend read what I had written, I let him peel back an other layer of me. I’m sure there are things I have written which he won’t be able to understand, but for the most part, what he reads he already knows. Reading my thoughts without any interruptions just reinforces how much he will understand me. But it is more then just him, reading my thoughts will help every one understand me. 

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Over the past weekend, I spent more time alone then I had for a long time, [forcefully]. Having more alone time with my thoughts led me to a place I didn’t necessarily want to be. It wasn’t a bad place per-say, just some where I didn’t really want to venture to. Where was this place, you may ask? It’s a place where I think of myself in a certain light. I have always been some one who respected myself, to the fullest. I cannot wrap my head around young woman who throw themselves to men. Recently, I have been told on more then one occasion, that I am a little boy crazy. After denying this accusation for a long time, I think I have finally come to terms with it. I am not boy crazy in the sense I sleep around, but I definitely love every one right away. I know I have a big heart and I care about people way before they can even get the chance to care about me... Hence why I seem to come off as boy crazy... Anyways! There I am defending myself again... 

So here it is ladies and gentlemen... I, Jay-Sara, am boy crazy. But don’t count your sheep yet guys. I am be down for the mix down, but only one channel has my attention right now. ;) 

My Crazy Humanities Prof

I'm still hating on the game. Just needed to throw that out there. More to come later.

Everything You Do - He is We

The Game.

What is "The Game", you might ask? Well, let me tell you. The Game is what people do when they are interested in some one. People play mind tricks on each other because they are to afraid of getting rejected by others. Why can't we just face our fears and come out and tell each other how we feel, or how we don't feel? That's a damn good question. To be quite honest with you, I don't have an answer for you. I'm 21 years old, and I feel like the older I get, the less I understand The Game. Take tonight for example. Tonight I went to my usual cafe to get some work done, and a guy I was sort of interested in was sitting there doing his homework. This guy, OV, works there, and I'm friends with all the employees, and I'd like to say, that we are also friends. After a while of both of us talking from a distance, he came over and sat with me. Over this past weekend, we got into an argument because he was doing some shady stuff to me, and I'm not one for drama. So I called him on it. He took it all very well, and since that night, he's been making an honest effort to be nice to me. And I think we've been getting along better then previously. Tonight I invited him to come out with us, and he declined because he had too much homework to do. As a student, I completely respect that. At around 11 o'clock, he called me to ask me if I was still at the bar with every one. He then went on to tell me he changed his mind and that he was coming. It is now 10 to 1, and I just got home from the bar. He didn't really stand me up, but he definitely didn't show up or call to tell me he wasn't coming. I guess as a friend, that's alright. I, myself, wouldn't do that to some one. But that, ladies and gentlemen, is playing the game to the fullest.

I wish people would just man up and say what it is they're thinking. Life is hard enough, we don't need the extra stress of having to guess how people feel about us. A simple phone call would have been enough... But I guess as human beings we like the excitement of bringing people drama...

I really hate The Game.

Forever and Ever - He Is We

I cannot believe the week I've had. So many things have happened. And still, some how I sit here, in this cafe I've spent so many hours in, and I'm still smiling. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely stressed out and there are about a million things I should be doing instead of writing this, but I miss my freedom of speech.

The week started with a big disaster. I had a field-trip with my literature class, and my little sister had sent me a text message asking me if she could use my laptop. I'm sure you know where this is going... She, some how, managed to crash my computer to the point where it wouldn't even turn on anymore. Hence why I haven't blogged all week... I woke up Tuesday morning with the worse feeling in my stomach. I felt completely stressed out realizing all the school work I had lost because of my crashed computer. But, Tuesday came and went. Bringing me to Wednesday, where I decided to let loose a little. Some friends and I went to a bar in the city, and had ourselves an amazing time. I spent the night dancing with my best guy friend, and just smiling and laughing. It felt good to go out and not worry about who was looking at me, or who I was looking at. I was there with my friends and I wanted to enjoy them. So I did. I danced with MC, sang at the top of my lungs with the girls and got a very comforting long distance phone call from CK.

And then there was Thursday... I have this thing, where I make a complete disaster of myself, on my own turns at least once a week. And this is how the later days of my week were spent. Thursday I made a mistake... The one I've been making for the past two years. He's tall, blond, blue eyed, and the one lover I have ever had. But my Thursday disaster forced me turn things around for myself. I couldn't keep making that same mistake and living with that pain that situation always made me feel. So I went to bed with a mission and awoke on Friday morning, thinking positive.

For the first time in two, long years, I made a change. A change I didn't want to have to make, but a change so many people I should make. Well, friday night, I decided it was time to do what people encouraged me to do for so long.

Since that night, I've just been smiling my way through everything. And it isn't because of who I changed with, he has [almost] nothing to do with this. I'm smiling for myself. It took two years for me to realize that I wasn't free because of what I was holding onto. Now, I can truly say, that I AM FREE.

I feel as if I have discovered so much of myself just because of one decision I have made. I went against all my rules, but I think that cheesy saying is right. 'Rules are there to be broken.' What is life is we follow every straight line? I don't know about you, but I can't dance on a straight line. I think we all need a little room for some side steps and spins every now and again.

This week, I discovered that it is okay to be free. But, you need to be doing it for yourself. You can't be free for guys who are 20-something. You need to be free because you want to smile for yourself. And ladies and gentlemen, I am here smiling from ear to ear, for myself.

Fifteen - Never Shout Never

A little over 14 hours ago, I was sitting in this exact same place. At my kitchen table, in a house that is still too silent. The only difference now, is the way I feel.

Last night I felt inspired, and today, I feel uplifted. Usually, when I feel good about myself like I do right now, it has to do with a boy. And yes, I won't lie to you. Last night, there was a boy. But for the first time, I think even if I would have gone to bed alone, I would have been just as happy as I am now. But I am certainly not complaining about him. He was...something. Something good.

At a point during the night, I looked around me, and realized, that every moment is a moment you won't get back. And usually a thought like that would scare me and make me negative. But it did the opposite. I looked around at the faces surrounding my kitchen table, that was definitely not lonely anymore, and realized that they are all faces that I have learnt to love. And if these faces walk out on me, I should be happy I was able to love them. Even if it was just for a second that I loved their faces, at least I gave these faces something from my heart.

OMG - Usher

I am currently sitting at my kitchen table, in a very lonely house. Awaiting my close friends... And while I am sitting here on my own... I'm left with my thoughts.

The biggest thought going through my head is... How can you have moments like this one, and not believe that life will be amazing. I currently miss about 10 people, off the top of my head. Which hurts to think about... But knowing that there are people who are planning their night around coming to spend time with me... Makes the place in my heart that misses people, feel so much better. I miss the people who never gave me an actual chance in their lives. I miss the people who have packed a bag, and literally moved out of my life. And I miss the people who smile at me like I mean the world to them... But who will never give me the time of day.

This night, I dedicate to the lost people in my life. For all of you, I smile tonight.

Happily Ever After - He Is We

I suppose this is where I start by explaining who I am, and why I started writing this... But I'm not very good with first impressions. So why start off on the wrong foot? I figure if I just keep everyone guessing about me, then it doesn't really count as a first impression, now does it? But I should just give you a little something to work with...

My name's Jay. If you haven't figured it out yet, that's not really my name, but just a nickname. In due time I'll come clean. I'm 21 years old, from Montreal, Canada. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm Canadian. More specifically, I'm a French Canadian. See, now you're brains are bleeding with questions. But like I said... I should just keep you guessing.

The most important thing you need to know about me at this time is that I will never lie here. This is where my life will be as clean as I'm supposed to be... In due time...