I cannot believe the week I've had. So many things have happened. And still, some how I sit here, in this cafe I've spent so many hours in, and I'm still smiling. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely stressed out and there are about a million things I should be doing instead of writing this, but I miss my freedom of speech.
The week started with a big disaster. I had a field-trip with my literature class, and my little sister had sent me a text message asking me if she could use my laptop. I'm sure you know where this is going... She, some how, managed to crash my computer to the point where it wouldn't even turn on anymore. Hence why I haven't blogged all week... I woke up Tuesday morning with the worse feeling in my stomach. I felt completely stressed out realizing all the school work I had lost because of my crashed computer. But, Tuesday came and went. Bringing me to Wednesday, where I decided to let loose a little. Some friends and I went to a bar in the city, and had ourselves an amazing time. I spent the night dancing with my best guy friend, and just smiling and laughing. It felt good to go out and not worry about who was looking at me, or who I was looking at. I was there with my friends and I wanted to enjoy them. So I did. I danced with MC, sang at the top of my lungs with the girls and got a very comforting long distance phone call from CK.
And then there was Thursday... I have this thing, where I make a complete disaster of myself, on my own turns at least once a week. And this is how the later days of my week were spent. Thursday I made a mistake... The one I've been making for the past two years. He's tall, blond, blue eyed, and the one lover I have ever had. But my Thursday disaster forced me turn things around for myself. I couldn't keep making that same mistake and living with that pain that situation always made me feel. So I went to bed with a mission and awoke on Friday morning, thinking positive.
For the first time in two, long years, I made a change. A change I didn't want to have to make, but a change so many people I should make. Well, friday night, I decided it was time to do what people encouraged me to do for so long.
Since that night, I've just been smiling my way through everything. And it isn't because of who I changed with, he has [almost] nothing to do with this. I'm smiling for myself. It took two years for me to realize that I wasn't free because of what I was holding onto. Now, I can truly say, that I AM FREE.
I feel as if I have discovered so much of myself just because of one decision I have made. I went against all my rules, but I think that cheesy saying is right. 'Rules are there to be broken.' What is life is we follow every straight line? I don't know about you, but I can't dance on a straight line. I think we all need a little room for some side steps and spins every now and again.
This week, I discovered that it is okay to be free. But, you need to be doing it for yourself. You can't be free for guys who are 20-something. You need to be free because you want to smile for yourself. And ladies and gentlemen, I am here smiling from ear to ear, for myself.
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