Not In Love - Crystal Castles

Couples are pretty much the worst thing ever to some one like me. I hate to categorize myself like that, but to be frank, I definitely fit perfectly in the way-single category. And what's worst then couples is people who are technically single, but have "some one" in their lives. Seriously... if that some one really cared that much about you, they would make you your significant other. 


What the hell do I know about this topic? Well I've been on and off with some one for years... 6 to be exact. And let the record show, that we have been OFF way longer then we've ever been on. There are days like today where I wonder why the heck I even put myself through all of this. I am very much single, but at the same time I have that "one" person in my life. I have some one to call when I want to go see a really masculine movie, or when I just want to cuddle and not have to make an effort. He is 100% my comfort blanket. I fully understand why people think it's okay to just have some one in our lives, who we actually aren't in love with. Not to lesser this guy, because I do love him, I'm just not in love with him. 


I'm getting off topic... My point is. Why can't we just ditch our safety blankets and actually go for what we want. Screw tip toeing around each other and doing what we think the other person wants from us. Let's just go for what want, or face the reality that sometimes it is better to be alone then to fake being with some one. And if you do really care about the person you're with but not really with, then why not just tell them how you really feel. 

Next to You - Chris Brown

Sometimes I feel as though no matter how much you will yourself to not feel or act a certain way, it just doesn't happen. Sometimes you can't stop yourself from saying that really idiotic thing, or to just not be yourself. I realize right now... That I was never 100% myself when I was with you. So... I'm totally okay to just... Let you go. :) 

Sure Thing - Miguel

Sometimes your gut feeling is the only one you can really go with. And my gut for months has been telling me... That he likes her better. Sure he may be having a sex with me... But let's be real for five seconds and admit it... It's her he wants. And it may just come down to me being there first... And it always being a freaking game with them. Add in the fact that I'm pretty much always willing with him, and me being over the top nice to every one... And voila. I'm an idiot.  


I don't totally blame myself them because to be very realistic... With that group of guys, it's pretty much their mission to try and hook up with the same girl. They're known for it. Before I even knew any of them by name, which was a good three years ago, I knew that this was their game. So why am I so pissed off? Because it makes me feel as if I'm not enough that you have to go for one of my best friends because you're so damn involved in this stupid MIND FUCK. 


Well... Next. 

Thinking of You - Katy Perry

I woke up this morning... way too early... With the a knot in my stomach the size of Texas. I don't even know where to start with this one...


I had the best night with my good friend and this guy... We had good conversation, had drinks, went out, really a fun time. Then we went back to his place, my friend passed out, and him and I had some alone time. Every thing went very smoothly, like it usually does with him... Until we decided to go to sleep. There we were, in his bedroom, cuddling, about to pass out when his roommate came home. So you're thinking... What's the big deal if his roommate came home? His roommate even knew that my friend and I were there, that was the problem. The problem was that his roommate came home with two girls and one of his friends. Again, this really wouldn't be a problem, you'd think... But my friend came into the guy's room and he went to go say hi to every one. When he came back, of one those girls comes into the room and looks at me and says, "well, you're not *the arab version of my real name*." Keep in mind right now that I'm wearing his tshirt, a pair of underwear, my make up is all over the place and I'm wasted. At that point, all of my cool, not caring about boys, calm feelings have left the building. I've never sobered up so quickly in my life. She walked out and I jumped out of bed, got dressed, and we were out of there in 30 seconds flat. 


Now... You're thinking, why is she so damn upset? Who cares? Obviously he hooks up with other people, so do you. Well, about a month ago this guy left me high and dry at a club after basically telling me to piss off because his mission of the night didn't involved me and involved some girl with that name. And I know it's the same girl because I remember her friend and she's the one who came into his bedroom... 


Moving forward with the story. After we left the apartment and started heading towards my car, I pulled the guy aside and told him not to make an ass of me by driving my friend home with me and letting me sleep at his place. And that's when world war 3 broke out. We have arguments all the time via text message, but I'm pretty sure that was the first time we actually yelled at each other. So for 20 minutes I tried to convince him to just do that right thing for once, not what's easiest. Well that didn't go over so well. I'm pretty sure any other girl would have had an actual brake down, right there on the street, but I just swallowed it like I always do.


Now I'm left here, the morning after all this, wondering why that one hurt so much? Like I've said before... This one definitely has a big affect on me... 

Northern Wind - City and Colour

For the past few months, I've been hooking up with a friend of a friend. We met a little over a year and a half ago, but I knew exactly who he was before I met him. His reputation stands pretty strong for itself within my community. When I met him, I didn't even look twice at him, not because he isn't gorgeous, because he is, but because of all the hear-say I had heard about him. I saw him a few times that summer, but nothing sprung from these encounters. Months after we met, we just started texted and... To make a long story short. We hooked up. To say the least, I was completely hooked from the rush I got from being around him. He made my stomach knot and do weird flips. And at first, I thought I was doomed, that I definitely was falling for him. The more time we spent together, and the more his texts would drive me crazy, I was sold, I had feelings for him. 


A few months ago, my good friend and I spent an afternoon with him, drinking.  In the evening we went out separate ways, but we had planned to meet up later that night. Seeing as we had been drinking all afternoon and evening, by the time night time rolled up, it was safe to say, we were all a little intoxicated. We met up in a bar around 11, and I'd say, by11:15, I could see this whole night blowing up in my face. This guy was drunk as all hell, and couldn't take his hands off of me. Until... He had his tongue down one of his friend's throat. As I sat there, only a few feet away, starring at them, trying to figure out how I felt about what was going on. As I starred, I had a few overwhelming feelings. Part of me wanted to go up to him and smack him for being so disrespected... But a bigger part of me... Wanted to go up to him and slip a condom into his pocket and just leave, to never look back. Now, it's safe to say that those two reactions are pretty different... But why in the world was I was calm in the first place? Shouldn't this bother me if I was so sold about having feelings for this guy? That's when I had my moment of realization... I really... Didn't feel how I thought I did. Sure, he's gorgeous, 100% my type, and hands down the best sex I've ever had. But... I just... Don't feel it. Ya know? 


That night I made him pick between me and this other girl that he also tends to go home with... And well... I definitely won that one ladies and gentlemen. 


Regardless... If I don't have actual feelings for this guy... Then why... To this day does he still have such an affect on me. And what the hell is it? 

Some One Like You - Adele

I had a moment of realization today while talking to a friend of mine. A few weeks ago I met a boy in a bar and had a great night with him. On paper, he seems like the perfect guy. Italian, good looking, athletic, academic, likes to party, trust worthy and probably the best kisser ever. He was very sweet to me the whole time he was in town, and I decided to just go with it and see what would happen with the whole situation. He told me this past weekend that he was thinking of coming down this week. I really want to be okay with the idea that MAYBE this guy will actually come into town and sweep me off my feet... But I can't help but think to myself, "Jay... Just... Don't give a shit." 


Normally I would be totally okay with giving off this kind of a vibe to a guy... Because let's be realistic... When do I actually give a shit about a guy... Anyways so NOT my point.... My point is... What if THAT is my problem? That I go into it thinking to myself if I pretend like I don't really care about "love" and sex (the whole nine yards). What if because I think like that, it always turns into such a mess? 


So... My goal with the next boy that walks into my life is to try to be as open as possible. And no, you maroons, I don't mean it in that way. I just want to be able to give SOME ONE the benefit of the doubt. Humour me why don't you...

Don't You Remember - Adele

A lot has happened in the past few months... And with everything that has happened to me, I lost my commitment to my writing. But I am making it my goal to get back to my writing and fully commit to what I am writing. I want to be able to really, say it like it is. 


So what's the latest...? Hmmm I've got a good one in mind. 


When I was in high school I dated the same guy for two years, give or take. And I broke up with him because he was the type of guy that was always on the right path and always knew what was next in line for him. Being with some one like that put a lot of pressure for me to very put together as well. At sixteen, being pressured to know exactly what you want in life, and to be doing what's right as oppose to what's fun...  Didn't really sit with me right. So I grew a pair of balls, and broke up with him. Basically after that it was all "down hill". Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my life, but I am so far off my path I can't even see it anymore. For the past six years, I have always wondered what my life would be like if I was still with Mr. Put Together... Recently he decided to walk back into my life. I was more then curious to see what my life would be like if I had him by my side. So I broke my number one rule, and let him in...


Boy, do I regret that. It lasted a week before the kid had a total melt down and pulled the "my life is so crazy I need me time", line on my ass. C'MON! Do you really think I haven't been some how involved with dozens of men since you? I clearly know what that means. It means you just got a VERY good job, you're recently single, you're living in two cities, and you wanna be able to GET IT IN. Not saying that's what he's going to do... He's the type of guy who dates the girls he sleeps with. So for him it's not getting it in the sense that he wants to go out and meet girls, then boss and toss. No... He wants to be able to have the option of meeting some one BETTER then ME. So... You know what I have to say to all this...


Leave you're high school sweetheart exactly where they were, in high school. You may still be attracted to the person, and you'll always have a pull to the first person you were "in love" with... But let's be real people. You're going to love your first apartment, but if you go back fifteen years later, you're going to remember all the little things you hated about it.